thoughts in words

missing you still...

2010-04-08T08:44:00.000-07:00

today, you'd have hit the big three-zero..

i always wonder how it would have been, to have you still around

would you already be happily married with kids or living the life of a successful career lady?

come to think of it, i didn't even know you that well. i don't even remember what was your ambition...were you planning on becoming a lawyer or a crime scene detective?

if only we had more time together.

i would have learnt to love you more and give you all the respect that you ought to have.

the time we had together was too short.

just too short for me to even say thank you for everything you've done and given me.

i really miss you.

happy 30th birthday.

conjugating little white lies, complete with a picture of myself

2010-04-05T09:23:00.000-07:00

the clock tower at Nottingham Uni, Malaysia Campus

i was told to write a short article for our upcoming Nottingham University postgraduate prospectus... i.e. an article to sell our university to those young and naive people out there...not like Nottingham is a bad place to study or do your research, but seriously, writing an overly self-praised article is the hardest thing one can ask me to do...

ask me to write a review paper of my research, i stare at the comp screen for a few hours blankly, but ask me to write an extremely short article for the uni prospectus, i stared blankly at the comp screen for 2 days..yes, two days and i couldn't type anything except my opening quotation marks ("blank blank blank..)...

anyway, as a researcher, i got some "templates" from previous undergraduate articles from the UK prospectus...and as i try to conjure up something similar to these lines, it occurred to me that this task seem more and more fauxed...

The faculty of engineering at Nottingham has an outstanding reputation both internationally and nationally..

(the only other choice of an internationally uni in Msia was Monash, and i couldn't find the right supervisor there...after meeting up with 3 eccentric people, i decided to give up there)

Being a research assistant, not only did i develop my research skills, but also offered me a way to develop my teaching skills..

(teaching the same lab for 3 years di lo, close eyes also can teach la..)

The course provides self development and growth especially in presentation and time management skills..

(marking 400+ reports in one semester, have to manage the time properly la... eat sleep also in office di..)

The research work certainly keeps you on your toes but prevents you from getting bored..

(equipments suka-suka then fail, sure keep you on your toes, and fingers and back.. no time to get bored also, get annoyed got la)

Opportunities to attend and present at both local and international conferences encourages bondings with researchers of the same field..

(RM 1500 for 3 years, the furthest you can go internationally ma Singapore or Thailand..that also need your supervisor to top up on the USD 400 registration fee..)

Providing you manage your time well, it’s easy to have a good social life too..

(looks like i manage my time quite badly, because frankly, my social life sucks...)

predicament

2010-04-04T03:59:00.000-07:00

they say brides-to-be are always stressed out with all the preparation for the big day.. i say, i'm stressed out because i try too hard to please the people around me... come to think of it, sometimes i really wonder if its my wedding afterall.. its difficult when you have family members being part of the preparation process, coz you can't be a bitch and remain strangers when its all done and over with..

not like i want to be a bitch, but sometimes i would prefer some things the way i like, the way i know i will feel comfortable.. afterall, who knows my body best if not myself? why make a dress that reveals so much of something that you don't have and can't flaunt? its not that i'm being picky or fussy, but its something i know best for myself... its like asking a fat girl to put on a skimpy cat suit.. yes, the designer can make the cuttings and style to make you look slim, but would you? would you put on a skimpy tight cat suit if you know your fats are buldging everywhere? would you put on a deep cut across your bosom, when you don't have the assets, and will only further enhance the "emptiness"?

i know sometimes i have to trust the designers, since it is their job and profession to be able to bring out the best in us.. but, can or might they be wrong sometimes? didn't the recent prewedding photos turn out looking fat, with a shocking large bum?

i try too hard to please everyone around me, so hard that most of the times when i have an objection, i just suck it back down into my guts...afraid that i will end up being labelled a fussy bitch, if not already am, for god-knows-what-reason..

i've been around.. literally.

2010-03-17T21:40:00.000-07:00

its been awhile since i last visited this page... thanks to my perfect little hectic life..
who said PhD was easy, and who said 3rd year PhD is a breeze?
been running in and out of the labs everyday, so much so that i don't even have to take off my labcoat anymore..maybe just for lunch..wait, what lunch?
i can't even remember the last time i washed my labcoat, because i keep forgetting to bring it home..

if walking around from block b (i.e. my office) to block n (the wet chemistry lab) to block c (the analytical lab) under the excruciating hot sun (it doens't set til 6.45pm!) is not taxing, i am further burnt out having to drive everyday to uni.. my carpool mate has decided that our times do not match anymore, and prefer to have our own freedom of leaving the house when we decide to wake up.. not like i mind, since i do have to come to uni at 6am on certain days and go back at 7pm.. while he prefers to go home at 5pm just so he can have a family dinner.. who eats at 5.30pm anyway? well, if thats the way its decided, i'll just have to hang on to the last bit of mind power and body strength of mine, skimming the highway home at 120 km per hour...keeping my fingers crossed there will be no roadtraps..soon enough, i'll begin to camp in uni just to salvage more sleep time..

weekends are no rest either..since getting the keys to our new home, every weekend has been spent at either furniture shops, interior designer studios, kitchen cabinet and anywhere that has something to do with home deco or home furnishing or basically, putting something into the place you are going to live in..it is fun indeed, but once u reach home after the whole day out and hit your bed, you realise that you are burnt out and you can't do anything else. and your weekend has just passed you by, and the hectic weekday looms in again...

one of those little things that makes me smile

2009-10-29T21:04:00.000-07:00

i woke up to this post-it note stuck on my mirror. the last time i had something stuck onto the mirror, it pointed to some gross looking nostril hair almost reaching a centimeter long. expecting the same thing, i tried to look closer, only to find nothing but my own reflection and the amount of new pimples almost ready to pop out anytime soon from all the recent stress...
being the ignorant me, i just continued to pick out my shirt for the day to put on...

stepping a little further back to check out myself, only did i realise another post-it note above...yes, the arrow was meant to be followed..silly me.

and hey, what did i find? =P

my belated anniversary present. one year and still counting. time really flies..

and it just made my entire day. =)

my sabah experience..

2009-08-16T08:38:00.000-07:00

I had my first conference in Kota Kinabalu, Sabah over the last weekend.. to me, it felt more like a holiday cum break-from-hectic-PhD-life.. being delegated as a poster presenter, as opposed to some who had to deliver presentations orally (phew!), i merely had to put up my poster for those other members of the conference to look upon.. not sure how many people actually looked at my mini little poster (which i adhered to the size limitations given..), but oh well..

my poster (top), "belittled" by others non-conforming sized posters..

anyway, having stepped upon this faraway land on the east side of malaysia, it felt like a totally different country... the place seemed to be 10 times more slow paced, as compared to the ever bustling city of KL... it even took me almost 30 minutes just to check in, and there was completely no other guests at that time...but i guess, for those who look forward to retirement with a calm environment, leisure and pure tranquility, this is definitely the place.. abundant with beautiful golf courses (as said in the Tour Sabah DVD) and merely watching the sunset helps you cast your problems aside.. just for that day anyway..haha

sunset at 6.30pm

thanks to my colleague who was born and bred in this serene place, we were brought around to witness several "tourist spots".. if you are in Kota Kinabalu, the Filipino market is one spot not to be missed... for the ladies anyway... =)
here, you can get most of your souvenir shopping as well as those famous crystal and pearl accessories Sabah is so well-known of... of course, you will need to be good in negotiating to get the best deal here... being a fan of bracelets and bargaining like an ah-sam, i eventually got off 4 beautiful bracelets for quite a good offer.

the ceiling is compensated by all the handicraft sold

for the locals, you can even get your clothes altered here, by professional men...

something you will definitely not see in KL

just next to the Filipino market, the interest will shift to mothers and aunties if they were around...the fishy smell fumigating the air as far as a 100m radius away is unmistakable...
the Pasar Ikan Masin... an entire market dedicated to this delicacy...

you can even get real sharks fin, still with its grayish blackish skin intact...

one of the climax to this trip was the beef noodles that became famous overnight after a talk show on Astro... located away from town and away from everywhere else (don't ask me where is it because all i did was sit in the car and get down when i arrived at the place), this shop sells only that.
beef noodles..
i must say, the beef was really tender... and it was indeedly good .. especially when you are hungry.. haha

beef balls, tendons, brisket, stomach, sliced beef...

the 4 days "trip" really ended fast, with 2.5 days dedicated to listening to conferences ("supposedly educational talks")... i will definitely miss the cute fish figures at the Waterfront... it would have been nice to sit and watch the sunset from there...

the Waterfront

without knowing it, it was time to fly back to reality and hit the labs again...

yup, back to putting these on in the labs...

hey, i wasn't the only kia-see one around okay...

a dream of the future and of the past

2009-07-25T21:09:00.000-07:00

for the past two consecutive nights, i had weird dreams. first night, i dreamt of my convocation. no, not my undergrad, but of my PhD graduation... haha. talk about sick-of-studying-and-can't-wait-to-graduate syndrome..it was so surreal. the environment, the friends who came, the people, the lecturers and even the round mortar hat! and then **poof** i woke up and found myself, still stuck in the midst of my PhD... far away from graduating. sigh...

my undergrad convocation, and my proud mum =)

then last night, i was brought back to the times of when my granddad was still around, 8 years ago.. i could see his face so clearly, his soft white hair, his eyes looking deep into me, with those aging wrinkles on his face which only intensified more when he smiled.. we were chatting away in his room at the geriatric center.. and he was eating the jelly that i always made...plain jelly, minus the nata de coco coz it was too tough for him to chew on.. and it was those last words that was so clear to me that repeated again in that serene dream, those words that all grown ups will give to their younger generation.. to study hard and work well.. and his hope before his final breath, to pursue that PhD...

and then i wonder, if these two dreams had some link in them... maybe, this is what i needed to regain that motivation to move on and persevere..

strawberries galore

2009-07-14T08:40:00.000-07:00

having plunged into the deepest of my life slump, a trip to cameron highlands over the weekend was a bliss.. the weather albeit a bit wet, was perfect. chilly. just the way i wanted to be in..

yes, there is Starbucks up there! =p

besides the usual things you do up there like enjoying the coolness with a cuppa coffee and steaming up the air with some homemade steamboat, the height of the trip was my strawberry moment...

steamboat fair..fit for a king

passing by the unmistakable huge road banner that says 80m ahead, we took a trip in..

this is only the menu. wait til you see the actual thing...

and my, the amount of sweet savouries you can do with strawberries... i stood there stunned.
a couple of minutes passed and i could still not decide what to eat. practically everything there looks tempting...

strawberry savouries

after much thoughts, and considering the distress of our already filled-to-the-brim stomachs, we decided to share a few..

clockwise from top left: strawberry cuppucinno, strawberry honey crepe, chocolate strawberry crepe, strawberry strudel

my parents-in-law having a couply moment with strawberries.. the fruit of love?

what more can i say to this havenly place?

the aftermath.

my sweet tooth was obviously very satisfied that day...
and i'm evidently still craving for more as i write this blog..

hug

2009-07-05T08:19:00.000-07:00

sometimes, all it takes is just a simple hug to cast those fears and worries aside..

my little mochi, asking to be hugged to bed..

"seniors" of the laboratory

2009-07-02T09:47:00.000-07:00

since this past year, the uni has been taking in loads of new freshies... sometimes, we wonder where they get all those fundings, it no longer becomes the subject for new postgrad students...
being the long term lab inhabitants, we earmark our "territory" .. and respect each other's work space...

nonetheless, as more and more unfledged citizens dot the lab, the more "senior" people like us feel disturbed..threaten, at its worst case... its like someone moving into your land without a proper visa nor knowledge of unwritten rules, dismantling all the previous serenity that we used to savour so much...
daily consumables such as a simple thing like kitchen towel which used to be freely available, is nowhere to be seen the very next minute you put it down... why, do they lack this in their own home kitchen that they need to steal them?

if i don't do this, even my unwanted contaminated tips box might be gone...

a few days ago, two summer internship students went bizzarred and grilled fish using the lab oven... yes, ridiculous to think about it... and the pungent smell of gore still remains til today.. what were they thinking?

a very useful whiteboard, to "vent our anger"

yes, it is indeed hard when someone just tramps across your pathway when you have been comfortable leading it alone.. so please forgive us if we tend to be impatient with you "younger ones" at times as we have to bear through these crap.. every single day...

sorry, PE... but i can't help taking this shot... those funnels have been there for almost a week!

Block N

2009-06-19T23:59:00.000-07:00

moving seemed to have always been a part of my life;
from a convent primary school, i moved to a more prestigious secondary school located in the heart of kl.
from new zealand in my first year undergrad, i moved to melbourne to complete my engineering course.
from a material engineer who sat on the first floor of bulding 8 in Agilent, i took up the process engineer role and moved office to the second floor.

..just as i thought how much i hated the hassle of moving, i need to move again.
the uni decided to build a new building for us engineering research people.
Block N.
A new colourless (all other buildings are colour-coded) building located in another far end, just next to where they put Datuk Kong. Yes, that isolated.

the entrance

apparently, not everyone has to move, since the new office space is very much smaller, and may not be able to accomodate for all of us. unfortunately, the new labs are there, and those who spend nearly 90% of their lives in the labs, will have to move there.

chemical "wet lab"

you can of course opt not to move, but risk getting sunburnt and exhaustion from having to walk 10 minutes from the current office building.. so, yes, moving is compulsary for me. the plus point of this atrocious moving thing is that we no longer have to share laboratories with the undergraduates and find your glasswares missing or used by those irresponsible kids..being new labs, they are of course 1) more impressive, 2) neater, and 3) cleaner. well, for now anyway.

in case u needed a shower..

in case you felt like changing your hairstyle and maybe get it permed out

However, i'm quite glad that my 1.5 years have already glided through, and am just left with my other 1.5 years **hopefully** because frankly, i'm not as enthusiastic of moving into this new building as the others, maybe. the impressiveness of the lab is definitely outcasted by the overall building design, and its isolated location. the "comfortable" feeling of an office is belittled by the metal ceilings, and window views that look out into the dark and eerie oil palms..

welcome to prison break season 6.

you know you are in the peak of your PhD program when..

2009-06-13T07:21:00.000-07:00

you don't just hear people talking about conferences, you want to write a paper to attend it.

you finally know what you are aiming for, and what your project title means.

you have to rush for your project results because you wasted your previous year trying to figure out what your project title means.

you are spending all your time to achieve significant results for a conference paper publication dateline which is always just around the corner.

you start talking to yourself, telling yourself what you should do and what you shouldn't do, making up a multi-people discussion with yourself and maybe your computer.

you start working in the wee hours of the night, and prefer to camp in your office.

you are well known to the security people, because you need them to unlock and lock the labs for you when you have to work after 5pm.

you have a wet bath towel draped across your office chair, because that is the only place you can hang it.

you don't really bother clearing or tidying up your messy office cubicle, because it will only be messed up again.

you go to uni on weekends and not feeling weird about it. in fact, you enjoy the peacefulness and how much more work you can get done on that day.

you have nothing better to do than take crappy photos of where you are, while waiting for your desired results to be churned out...

its a dog eat dog world

2009-05-27T00:33:00.000-07:00

i learnt a new word today: sabo
short for sabotage,

Noun: sabotage 'sabu `taazh
to ruin, destroy, or disable deliberately and maliciously (frequently by indirect means)

not only did i learn about this new short term, i discovered its many uses... and maybe even applied it about three times today? **starting to have the guilty concious feeling sinking in**
my colleague calls it self-defence, because in a way, it is done to save our own arses... so that we don't get bitten the other way round instead...

why, we ask ourselves, do we have to do this? what happened to all the goodness in mankind? what happened to being a humanitarian and helping each other, when all that we wish for is to achieve the same goal in the end.. but the journey there is made more difficult, because we place hurdles for each other, so that the other party will stumble first... let's admit it, everyone is practicing this malicious act to survive in their lives... it all depends on how many hurdles we place, and how obvious they are planted, and how high these hurdles get... we just have to look out for them once we step onto the race track.

ain't about how fast i get there
ain't about what's waiting on the other side
it's the climb
~ Miley Cyrus

my first attempt of blueberry cheesecake

2009-05-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

yes, my first attempt..

this year around, i decided to make a cake. a no-bake cake, since my oven is not too well (and my blueberry filling has been sitting in my cupboard for too long, nearing its expiry...) my dad did not appreciate the cheesecake too much, since he is not that fond of cheese, but oh well, i'll probably bake another one for father's day instead =p

my amateur artwork

Happy mother's day, and I love you, mum!

Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever
- Author unknown

putting the blame onto someone else

2009-05-07T08:33:00.000-07:00

the monotonous invigilation period is here again. i had my first 2 hour session today... in a somewhat larger hall, but still only a fraction of the menacing ones i used to sit in during my uni times in melbourne... five minutes into the start of the exam, a guy came in looking for his seat... to avoid distracting other students, i walked briskly to him and helped him look for his seat but failed. in the end, we had to provide him with a green attendance slip to fill up, and whisked him on into his paper without any delay.

watching these kiddos = watching paint dry

i was watching him most of the time, since he was way in front, next to where i stood.... writing ever so slowly, even adding an underline for his paragraph "title" and using a different pen for that purpose. why oh why, do these people waste precious time doing this? 30 minutes remaining, and he was panicking. his pretty handwriting was unrecognizable. you can even make out those green nerve lines screaming out along his arm as he put more force, writing profusely into the white paper..

feeling guilty, i started collecting the answer papers from the further end away from him... allowing him just a few more minutes to squeeze out those last few words, or sentences maybe. yes, i know it is wrong but lets call it guilty concious, and self pity too... just as i approached him while he was still busy writing away, the primary invigilator came around and made him stop writing immediately. and all this guy did was started blaming me for not being able to look for his seat. why me? why blame the people around for what may have been your own fault? why not come in 10 minutes earlier, before the exam starts so that you can find your seat, and maybe figure out the girl who accidentally sat in your place instead? why blame those who are just trying to carry out their duty the best they could?...

a colleague of mine put up a new status on his facebook today..

"One of the RA among our reseach group will resign soon...Supervisor or so called" Superior", please look at this case seriously. If unable to guide student, please don't take any student. Else, more and more RA will resign."

yes, i know facebook is a way to reveal your thoughts, just like a blog, but being the third party to these, are we in the position to conclude who's to blame? i may or may not know who this RA is, but if my guess is correct, both the RA and supervisor recently had a newborn. (well, that probably gave away a big hint to who the people are, but this is only my guess)... how can we put the blame on one person, when both parties are responsible on working together towards success? i am not taking any sides, since i only know them as who they are, but through my personal experience, we cannot solely blame it on one side... i myself admit, that i am to blame when i resigned my PhD in melbourne... i knew i had a great supervisor, so good to me, i felt like punching myself for quitting on him, and crashing his hopes... some friends believed that my supervisor did not provide much for me when i started, and that i felt lost...but isn't that how starters are supposed to feel? spoon-feeding is a thing of the past during PhD, and supervisors are there, well, just to supervise when in doubt... in this case that we all may not know about, maybe just maybe, the stress of their newborn is taking their toll? who knows what is the story behind these qualms? why put such unthoughtful remarks, which may only enkindle unkind responses?

an ignited flame can only be put off by the two parties involved, and not to be provoked into a fire by a third party who is only an outsider, who is ignorant of the actual truth that lays behind...

a letter of frustration

2009-05-05T19:44:00.000-07:00

sometimes, most of the times, all the time...
i wished you hadn't come
i wished you hadn't join
you stepped in, and on your second day, you were already tagging around
asking of all that i've done in the past year
taking in everything with pure critiscm

but i remained silent
i only kept it inside
because i respected you
yes, you are my "junior" but i respect you for you being a mother of three
for you being probably more than a decade older, a decade more experienced maybe

but i wished you gave me back the same respect that i have given you throughout
i wished you had considered my feelings
we all want to finish this and want to get that round mortar hat
we wish to be called a dr in the near future soon

but have you ever beared in mind, that i came in a year earlier than you?
how am i supposed to run my work, when you are in my place, using my workstation, using my equipments, and using up the consumables that i've ordered?
why are you delaying me, when you only probably might delay yourself in the end?

here i am sitting at my office, waiting for you to run your unnecessary experiments, while hoping that you finish soon enough to save some time for me for the rest of the day...
and definitely hoping that you clean up thoroughly, so that i dun carry your contaminants into my sample analysis...
here i am, sitting at my office, sulking in frustration.

awkward moments

2009-05-04T09:01:00.000-07:00

i used to be quite close to a friend of mine during my high school days... until people started talking. i never realised that she was a lesbian, and was hitting on me. not until the gossips started anyway... since then, i am always on the brink. aware of any single moves, unintentional touch, unperceived politeness or simple gentleness that one provides unto me.. so much so that i think i might be a little over-sensitive at times.

maybe that is why some friends of mine turn to me, to seek my advice. to provide their "signs and symptoms" to clear their doubts.. i am no guru in this matter, but i can tell.. to some certain extent anyway. or i would rather call it instinct. self inflected instinct.

generally, there are two types of human display when an infliction towards another soul takes place ; the upright, obvious and confident one, and the other totally opposite shy and precarious personality. i usually prefer the latter type, because its harder to decipher the situation which makes the whole sheath more mysterious but may end up leading to serious miscommunications when wrong conclusions are made, while the former display of interest is harder to avoid or laid off when it happens.

yes, many people would say that if you do not confess, you will not know what would have happened... but have they ever considered the other side of the story? how can you reject someone politely and not being insulting, without ruining the whole relationship? what do you do when this kind of situation lands onto yourself? there is definitely no avoiding such incidents since love is blind.. but what do you do, when cupid strikes the wrong people? yes, a moment of awkwardness will definitely pursue... but for how long? how do you clear the air, and continue the great platonic friendship that you once had together, without having moments of doubt? can true friendship actually surface again, without those weird bits occuring?

pink and me

2009-04-26T08:52:00.000-07:00

i finally decided to give my two pairs of shoes a deserving thorough wash today... one after marathons and hikes, while the other after being splashed a zillion times by ugly chemical solvents...as i left the shoes to dry in the so-very-hot sun, i realised that my shoes are pink in colour.

my two pairs of cleaned shoes =)

of the many colours, i chose pink. and that got me noticing all the other things that i own, which has a vast choice of colours on those market shelves, but lying pink here around me. lets not even get into my wardrobe just yet. while i'm sitting here writing my second blog, i just noticed that i have absent-mindedly chosen pink as my background template.. i know i'm not a pink person,but when it comes to choices, i usually go for something pretty, sweet or cute. and i always end up choosing pink.

all my pink gadgets

and then i start to wonder, is it true that guys tend to like blue, while girls go for pink? do we actually need the colour to define our feminine side? does that explain the reason as to why gay guys are inclined to purple things, since purple is the "grey area" between red and blue?

getting to know me in a new space

2009-04-26T00:12:00.000-07:00

a new webpage, a new web address, a new look, a new phase, the same old me. a few of my friends asked why i stopped updating my old site. the truth is, after installing the new live messenger, i don't really know how to navigate myself to myspace anymore. yes, i am that computer illiterate, so much so that i'm still slowly pacing myself around this new bloggosphere..

the past few months without blogging felt different. maybe because my head was almost tipping over with all the thoughts and fury of everday's life and endless hecticness of trying to complete my research within the timeframe..
since i am less hooked up with work today, i have decied to introduce the debut of my new blogspace, thoughts in words...of everything and anything that comes across my mind...