its a dog eat dog world

i learnt a new word today: sabo
short for sabotage,

Noun: sabotage 'sabu `taazh
to ruin, destroy, or disable deliberately and maliciously (frequently by indirect means)

not only did i learn about this new short term, i discovered its many uses... and maybe even applied it about three times today? **starting to have the guilty concious feeling sinking in**
my colleague calls it self-defence, because in a way, it is done to save our own arses... so that we don't get bitten the other way round instead...

why, we ask ourselves, do we have to do this? what happened to all the goodness in mankind? what happened to being a humanitarian and helping each other, when all that we wish for is to achieve the same goal in the end.. but the journey there is made more difficult, because we place hurdles for each other, so that the other party will stumble first... let's admit it, everyone is practicing this malicious act to survive in their lives... it all depends on how many hurdles we place, and how obvious they are planted, and how high these hurdles get... we just have to look out for them once we step onto the race track.

ain't about how fast i get there
ain't about what's waiting on the other side
it's the climb
~ Miley Cyrus

my first attempt of blueberry cheesecake

yes, my first attempt..

this year around, i decided to make a cake. a no-bake cake, since my oven is not too well (and my blueberry filling has been sitting in my cupboard for too long, nearing its expiry...) my dad did not appreciate the cheesecake too much, since he is not that fond of cheese, but oh well, i'll probably bake another one for father's day instead =p















my amateur artwork

Happy mother's day, and I love you, mum!














Mothers hold their children's hands for a short while, but their hearts forever
- Author unknown

putting the blame onto someone else

the monotonous invigilation period is here again. i had my first 2 hour session today... in a somewhat larger hall, but still only a fraction of the menacing ones i used to sit in during my uni times in melbourne... five minutes into the start of the exam, a guy came in looking for his seat... to avoid distracting other students, i walked briskly to him and helped him look for his seat but failed. in the end, we had to provide him with a green attendance slip to fill up, and whisked him on into his paper without any delay.















watching these kiddos = watching paint dry

i was watching him most of the time, since he was way in front, next to where i stood.... writing ever so slowly, even adding an underline for his paragraph "title" and using a different pen for that purpose. why oh why, do these people waste precious time doing this? 30 minutes remaining, and he was panicking. his pretty handwriting was unrecognizable. you can even make out those green nerve lines screaming out along his arm as he put more force, writing profusely into the white paper..

feeling guilty, i started collecting the answer papers from the further end away from him... allowing him just a few more minutes to squeeze out those last few words, or sentences maybe. yes, i know it is wrong but lets call it guilty concious, and self pity too... just as i approached him while he was still busy writing away, the primary invigilator came around and made him stop writing immediately. and all this guy did was started blaming me for not being able to look for his seat. why me? why blame the people around for what may have been your own fault? why not come in 10 minutes earlier, before the exam starts so that you can find your seat, and maybe figure out the girl who accidentally sat in your place instead? why blame those who are just trying to carry out their duty the best they could?...

a colleague of mine put up a new status on his facebook today..

"One of the RA among our reseach group will resign soon...Supervisor or so called" Superior", please look at this case seriously. If unable to guide student, please don't take any student. Else, more and more RA will resign."

yes, i know facebook is a way to reveal your thoughts, just like a blog, but being the third party to these, are we in the position to conclude who's to blame? i may or may not know who this RA is, but if my guess is correct, both the RA and supervisor recently had a newborn. (well, that probably gave away a big hint to who the people are, but this is only my guess)... how can we put the blame on one person, when both parties are responsible on working together towards success? i am not taking any sides, since i only know them as who they are, but through my personal experience, we cannot solely blame it on one side... i myself admit, that i am to blame when i resigned my PhD in melbourne... i knew i had a great supervisor, so good to me, i felt like punching myself for quitting on him, and crashing his hopes... some friends believed that my supervisor did not provide much for me when i started, and that i felt lost...but isn't that how starters are supposed to feel? spoon-feeding is a thing of the past during PhD, and supervisors are there, well, just to supervise when in doubt... in this case that we all may not know about, maybe just maybe, the stress of their newborn is taking their toll? who knows what is the story behind these qualms? why put such unthoughtful remarks, which may only enkindle unkind responses?

an ignited flame can only be put off by the two parties involved, and not to be provoked into a fire by a third party who is only an outsider, who is ignorant of the actual truth that lays behind...

a letter of frustration

sometimes, most of the times, all the time...
i wished you hadn't come
i wished you hadn't join
you stepped in, and on your second day, you were already tagging around
asking of all that i've done in the past year
taking in everything with pure critiscm

but i remained silent
i only kept it inside
because i respected you
yes, you are my "junior" but i respect you for you being a mother of three
for you being probably more than a decade older, a decade more experienced maybe

but i wished you gave me back the same respect that i have given you throughout
i wished you had considered my feelings
we all want to finish this and want to get that round mortar hat
we wish to be called a dr in the near future soon

but have you ever beared in mind, that i came in a year earlier than you?
how am i supposed to run my work, when you are in my place, using my workstation, using my equipments, and using up the consumables that i've ordered?
why are you delaying me, when you only probably might delay yourself in the end?

here i am sitting at my office, waiting for you to run your unnecessary experiments, while hoping that you finish soon enough to save some time for me for the rest of the day...
and definitely hoping that you clean up thoroughly, so that i dun carry your contaminants into my sample analysis...
here i am, sitting at my office, sulking in frustration.

awkward moments

i used to be quite close to a friend of mine during my high school days... until people started talking. i never realised that she was a lesbian, and was hitting on me. not until the gossips started anyway... since then, i am always on the brink. aware of any single moves, unintentional touch, unperceived politeness or simple gentleness that one provides unto me.. so much so that i think i might be a little over-sensitive at times.

maybe that is why some friends of mine turn to me, to seek my advice. to provide their "signs and symptoms" to clear their doubts.. i am no guru in this matter, but i can tell.. to some certain extent anyway. or i would rather call it instinct. self inflected instinct.















generally, there are two types of human display when an infliction towards another soul takes place ; the upright, obvious and confident one, and the other totally opposite shy and precarious personality. i usually prefer the latter type, because its harder to decipher the situation which makes the whole sheath more mysterious but may end up leading to serious miscommunications when wrong conclusions are made, while the former display of interest is harder to avoid or laid off when it happens.

yes, many people would say that if you do not confess, you will not know what would have happened... but have they ever considered the other side of the story? how can you reject someone politely and not being insulting, without ruining the whole relationship? what do you do when this kind of situation lands onto yourself? there is definitely no avoiding such incidents since love is blind.. but what do you do, when cupid strikes the wrong people? yes, a moment of awkwardness will definitely pursue... but for how long? how do you clear the air, and continue the great platonic friendship that you once had together, without having moments of doubt? can true friendship actually surface again, without those weird bits occuring?