missing you still...

today, you'd have hit the big three-zero..

i always wonder how it would have been, to have you still around

would you already be happily married with kids or living the life of a successful career lady?

come to think of it, i didn't even know you that well. i don't even remember what was your ambition...were you planning on becoming a lawyer or a crime scene detective?

if only we had more time together.

i would have learnt to love you more and give you all the respect that you ought to have.

the time we had together was too short.

just too short for me to even say thank you for everything you've done and given me.

i really miss you.

happy 30th birthday.

conjugating little white lies, complete with a picture of myself

the clock tower at Nottingham Uni, Malaysia Campus

i was told to write a short article for our upcoming Nottingham University postgraduate prospectus... i.e. an article to sell our university to those young and naive people out there...not like Nottingham is a bad place to study or do your research, but seriously, writing an overly self-praised article is the hardest thing one can ask me to do...

ask me to write a review paper of my research, i stare at the comp screen for a few hours blankly, but ask me to write an extremely short article for the uni prospectus, i stared blankly at the comp screen for 2 days..yes, two days and i couldn't type anything except my opening quotation marks ("blank blank blank..)...

anyway, as a researcher, i got some "templates" from previous undergraduate articles from the UK prospectus...and as i try to conjure up something similar to these lines, it occurred to me that this task seem more and more fauxed...

The faculty of engineering at Nottingham has an outstanding reputation both internationally and nationally..

(the only other choice of an internationally uni in Msia was Monash, and i couldn't find the right supervisor there...after meeting up with 3 eccentric people, i decided to give up there)

Being a research assistant, not only did i develop my research skills, but also offered me a way to develop my teaching skills..

(teaching the same lab for 3 years di lo, close eyes also can teach la..)

The course provides self development and growth especially in presentation and time management skills..

(marking 400+ reports in one semester, have to manage the time properly la... eat sleep also in office di..)

The research work certainly keeps you on your toes but prevents you from getting bored..

(equipments suka-suka then fail, sure keep you on your toes, and fingers and back.. no time to get bored also, get annoyed got la)

Opportunities to attend and present at both local and international conferences encourages bondings with researchers of the same field..

(RM 1500 for 3 years, the furthest you can go internationally ma Singapore or Thailand..that also need your supervisor to top up on the USD 400 registration fee..)

Providing you manage your time well, it’s easy to have a good social life too..

(looks like i manage my time quite badly, because frankly, my social life sucks...)

predicament

they say brides-to-be are always stressed out with all the preparation for the big day.. i say, i'm stressed out because i try too hard to please the people around me... come to think of it, sometimes i really wonder if its my wedding afterall.. its difficult when you have family members being part of the preparation process, coz you can't be a bitch and remain strangers when its all done and over with..

not like i want to be a bitch, but sometimes i would prefer some things the way i like, the way i know i will feel comfortable.. afterall, who knows my body best if not myself? why make a dress that reveals so much of something that you don't have and can't flaunt? its not that i'm being picky or fussy, but its something i know best for myself... its like asking a fat girl to put on a skimpy cat suit.. yes, the designer can make the cuttings and style to make you look slim, but would you? would you put on a skimpy tight cat suit if you know your fats are buldging everywhere? would you put on a deep cut across your bosom, when you don't have the assets, and will only further enhance the "emptiness"?

i know sometimes i have to trust the designers, since it is their job and profession to be able to bring out the best in us.. but, can or might they be wrong sometimes? didn't the recent prewedding photos turn out looking fat, with a shocking large bum?

i try too hard to please everyone around me, so hard that most of the times when i have an objection, i just suck it back down into my guts...afraid that i will end up being labelled a fussy bitch, if not already am, for god-knows-what-reason..

i've been around.. literally.

its been awhile since i last visited this page... thanks to my perfect little hectic life..
who said PhD was easy, and who said 3rd year PhD is a breeze?
been running in and out of the labs everyday, so much so that i don't even have to take off my labcoat anymore..maybe just for lunch..wait, what lunch?
i can't even remember the last time i washed my labcoat, because i keep forgetting to bring it home..

if walking around from block b (i.e. my office) to block n (the wet chemistry lab) to block c (the analytical lab) under the excruciating hot sun (it doens't set til 6.45pm!) is not taxing, i am further burnt out having to drive everyday to uni.. my carpool mate has decided that our times do not match anymore, and prefer to have our own freedom of leaving the house when we decide to wake up.. not like i mind, since i do have to come to uni at 6am on certain days and go back at 7pm.. while he prefers to go home at 5pm just so he can have a family dinner.. who eats at 5.30pm anyway? well, if thats the way its decided, i'll just have to hang on to the last bit of mind power and body strength of mine, skimming the highway home at 120 km per hour...keeping my fingers crossed there will be no roadtraps..soon enough, i'll begin to camp in uni just to salvage more sleep time..

weekends are no rest either..since getting the keys to our new home, every weekend has been spent at either furniture shops, interior designer studios, kitchen cabinet and anywhere that has something to do with home deco or home furnishing or basically, putting something into the place you are going to live in..it is fun indeed, but once u reach home after the whole day out and hit your bed, you realise that you are burnt out and you can't do anything else. and your weekend has just passed you by, and the hectic weekday looms in again...